NOTES FROM THE FRINGE

I'm posting this blog item using Sauce Reader (1.5Beta from Synop.) its a really slick tool that, aside from being dog slow (which is forgivable in a beta release) is the best RSS/Blog reader I've come across. And I've tried a few (snicker.) You may have also noticed I've added an RSS Atom feed link to my blog on the right. If you know what RSS is, use the link, its a convenient way to keep abreast of any new posts in the blogs or news feeds you regularly monitor, If you don't know what RSS is, read Ned's intro.

Life goes on in Chez Ochs. We're expecting now, so we're probably going to look for a bigger place in 'Joisey. I'll really miss the apple, but I gots to have more space and a car if I'm gonna raise a family. Sigh. The single in the city chapter of my life inexorably draws to a complete and final close...

One of these days, Lorraine and I are gonna get off our collective asses and see the Cloisters. It's been on my to-do list for, oh, about 22 years now. Ever since my seventh grade report on things to do in New York City. Mr. Hollander gave me an A for that in Social Studies. I think I still have it in a box somewhere in my mother's basement.

This July 4th weekend I stopped by the 42nd street pier on my way down the West Side Highway towards Brooklyn. There was a flotilla of visiting British warships. Of particular interest was the British Jump Jet carrier (HMS Invincible, I think.) Jump jet carriers are smaller than supercarriers that the US Navy prefers and are, in fact, closer in size to the World War II class Intrepid, which is now a floating museum that is parked nearby. The British are a clever lot. In addition to pioneering the Jump Jet, which is a jet fighter that can take off and land vertically, they came up with the idea for angled flight decks on aircraft carriers, which greatly increase the safety and sortie rate of modern carriers, along with the steam catapult and many other elements of a modern full-sized carrier. The ship in port has an interesting "ski-jump" flight deck. It turns out that, even though they can take off and land vertically, a short takeoff roll up the ski-jump-like ramp gives the Harrier jet a greatly increased payload and saves a lot of fuel. It's an interesting piece of naval architecture. Here's a link to a pic I snapped on my cameraphone. Those crazy Brits.

BY THE WAY: My latest project blog. (techno-weenies only)

BOOKS, BOOKS, BOOKS

As you may or may not know, my profession entails keeping up to date on a lot of complicated programming principles. This means reading books with content that is as dry as kindling on a regular basis. My able accomplice in this endeavor is the Amazon.com used book mart. Most of the time, techno-weenies like myself resell their books when they're done. Getting slightly tattered copies of such memorable titles as John Zukowski's (yes that John Zukowski) Definitive Guide to Swing for Java 2 usually saves me over 50% off the cover price. Highly recommended.

FROM THE "I THINK IT'S ODD" DEPARTMENT: How Democrats (full disclosure: I am a registered Democrat) claim that the Republican (read: Bush) campaign machine slings a lot of mud, when all I can see everywhere I go is the relentless negativity of the Democratic campaign. Here in New York City, I see apple-cheeked kids everywhere pounding the pavement in a "Would you like to help defeat George Bush" campaign. I mean, I'm not going to go into a whole political discourse right now, but doesn't the actual candidate have any appeal for voters?

PAC MANHATTAN: Now this is a cool game!

GOOD NEWS EVERYONE: I couldn't contain myself. It seems Futurama may be making a comeback!

GOOD READ DEPT.: Fareed Zakaria on terrorism.

LESS IS ELMORE: Here's a great read on why I love Elmore Leonard. (He's my favorite writer.) I know this is a cop-out for actually posting something interesting to this space, but I'm in the process of rethinking my blog and my commitment to it. Sorry folks, but after a year, I may be burning out on this. I'll keep y'all posted.

PUNISHMENT: A good one from Jennifer

STATION IDENTIFICATION: This blog is brought to you by Jake, who really truly loves Lorraine. (Awww...) Peace out.

BYLINE: Heh, C&F have a political cartoon using my blog's byline! (Hat tip to Little Green Footballs.)

IT'S DONE: So I've wrestled with the phone companies today and actually came out ahead! Sprint zeroed out all of the erroneous charges and I'm left with a small monthly bill to pay that less than 1/4 of what they claimed I owe them. Ditto AT&T who finally agreed that my wife did indeed cancel her account and return her phone (tip: faxing them the receipt seemed to grease the wheels; tip two: AT&T Wireless is practically two companies, the old "digital" company and the new "GSM" company, with separate billing and accounting services.) That left good old Verizon, whom I promptly cut the cord to. I bit the bullet and signed up with IDT for their $40 all you can eat plan. Yay me!

DO I HAVE A SIGN ON MY BACK? It seems that January is the month all the telephone service providers I use decided to fleece me. First there's Verizon, whom I have a special loathing for, who decided that my $40 basic phone service and long distance plan really means $80. Then there's AT&T Wireless, who, like a senile old woman, decided that my wife really didn't cancel her service with them and return her phone, so we owe them for January. Then there's Sprint. Ah Sprint. How do you explain to the minimum wage slave that will undoubtedly answer my irate customer service call that instead of putting my wife and I on a shared plan with 2,000 minutes, free nights and weekends and unlimited internet for $110 they've put us on the Halliburton "let's rape our customer" $600 plan (I wasn't even aware of such a deal, had I only known beforehand..) Looks like I'll be spending next week sparring with wonderful telco service reps to sort this out so I can use my money for more important endeavors, like food and rent. Cheers.

HERE WE GO ROUND: Once again, Salam reminds us all how eminently interesting and readable he is. I leave you with that as I embark on my honeymoon. Sing it! "Go-ing to A-ru-ba!"

IN CASE YOU HAD ANY LINGERING DOUBTS: That Al Jazeera is a racist, hateful publication, here's their cartoon page. ALSO: Churchill's parrot is alive and well, will be writing a tell-all memoir.

CRIBS, TRAILER PARK EDITION: What a great idea for a new MTV reality show. Celebrity crib trailers. We could see our white trash celebrities with their dream trailer homes. Let's see, Britney, Eminem, Kid Rock, Billy Bob. Or we could make it a monster house trailer park edition show. I think there's a lot to mine here. Chime in.

CHOCOLATE COVERED PRETZELS: To me the perfect metaphor for the difference between men and women is the chocolate covered pretzel. No man I know will even try the thing. The basic logic being: "What's the deal? I either want something sweet (chocolate) or something salty (pretzel.) Not both." To which all the women I've spoken to regarding the issue retort: "That's the beauty of the device, you get something sweet and something salty." Men stay focused and know what they're after. Women basically want it all, convention be damned. I was raised on the belief that you can't have your cake and eat it too, but my wife (bless her) feels that you can please all of the senses, all of the time. Sigh, I'm envisioning late night trips for pickles and ice cream in my future.

YES, VIRGINIA: These people do have too much time on their hands. ALSO: The day I met my wife.

A SPARK: I just read a John Phillips (of Car and Driver) article on Jesse James of Discovery Channel's Monster Garage and an idea popped into my head. James is such a badass, why doesn't Discovery pay to have him and some friends ride their wild creations through Iraq, a badass place. I think the locals would be too startled by a bunch of muscle bound, tattooed freaks with odd facial hair and bizarre wheeled creations to even contemplate shooting at them. I strongly suspect the natives would actually like Hell's Angels and their ilk. FYI, I am not being sarcastic, I actually think it would make for some enjoyable TV. What the hell, if the wife makes me sit through another episode of The Bachelorette, I could at least make her watch this!

LATEST AQUATIC TRAVAILS: I'm lazy, so instead of blogging I'm going to link to my latest crisis in marine day care.

AT LAST: A Frenchman (woman, actually) who has something worthwhile to say. And she's cute, to boot!

CATASTROPHIC DECOMPRESSION: I've been reading about the brouhaha surrounding the new US requirement that foreign (airline) carriers be ready to supply armed air marshals for US-bound or US overflying aircraft. Classically, the big stink about allowing firearms on board an aircraft is the fear that a bullet will pierce the skin of the craft, causing catastrophic decompression. For a short lesson on catastrophic decompression, try sticking a needle into an inflated balloon. If the balloon is fully inflated, it will probably burst. This is a classic metaphor for what can happen on board a commercial jetliner flying at altitude. You may not realize it, but airplanes are pressurized at altiitude, as the air is quite thin up there. Think of the plane as a ballon and a bullet as the pin and you start to get the idea. Now, there are ways to minimize the chance of an explosive decompression. If for example, you tape the area of the ballon you are about to pierce with the pin with, say, duct tape, and then prick the balloon, it should hold together and slowly deflate instead of shatterring with a loud pop. Similarly, I wonder if modern airframes were designed with this capability in mind. Keep in mind that in commmercial air travel, weight is the enemy, so any additional strengthening of the fuselage will add up to a higher fuel bill, which will raise the price of a ticket. I was thinking somewhere along the lines of a layer of kevlar sheeting between the interior wall and the load bearing cylinder....

BLOGAVERSARY: Yesteday was my first blog anniversary (blogaversary.) It kinda snuck up on me and I missed it. Thanks to <pause for dramatic effect>the wife</pause for dramatic effect> for reminding me.

OFFSHORE: Chris Kenton has an interesting article in BusinessWeek on the perils of offshore (programming) development. I can relate to everything he says. Essentially, you need to be very strong managerially to reap the benefits of using offshore development. Here in the US, we can use our social proximity and cultural similarity to paper over weak managerial practices that are magnified with an offshore job. A good read.

THE NEXT BIG THING: Lorraine & I are thinking of launching an Iambic Pentameter radio channel. All Iambic, all the time. "You give us twenty-two verses, we'll give you the world."

NO TREO: I cancelled the Treo, which is backorded for awhile & went with a standard Sprint phone -the Sanyo SCP8100. It's a camera phone & fully Sprint Vision compatible. Vision, which is Sprint's full network offering, is quite interesting. Alas, Sprint has no simple SMS interface, so, to send a simple message, I have to log onto Vision on the phone and click through several links before I can send a message. What a pain, Hopefully Sprint will fix this soon. Suprisingly, the service so far, has been notably superior to T-Mobile in the NY/NJ areas that I've been to. The infamous dead spot between West End and Riverside on the UWS has excellent Sprint coverage, which is why I switched plans in the first place. PAINFULLY: My local pet store still has no new Goldfish babies. They won't part with any of their adorable Panda Telescopes, which their keeping for their own enjoyment. So Zippy still has no new playmates. Hopefully they'll have some nice new babies in on Tuesday. I've travelled all over Manhattan looking for quality babies and haven't had any luck. I did see some enormous specimens in Chinatown. If you ever want to see some amazing aquariums, go to Mott street and walk around. I got Zippy bloodworms and a cone feeder last week, so he's more than happy slurping up the worms like spaghetti. I swear, he attacks the cone full of worms like Jaws in a beach full of vacationing children. I'm such a proud Papa!

BAD JAKE: Do I really sound like this? Via Bruce

REVERTED: Went back to the old look, by request of the wife.

FRENCH FRIES: If true, this is disturbing (via Stephen Den Beste.)

NEW LOOK: Waddya think?

BLUE SUEDE JEWS: Chanukkah in Memphis, via Andrew Sullivan.

NEW TOY ON THE WAY: So I finally caved and ordered a Treo 600 from Sprint. The treo, for those of you who are not gadget oriented, is Handspring's (now PalmOne's) second attempt at combining a Palm-based organizer and a cell phone. It's real cool and has a built in camera. I've been eyeing this one for awhile but couldn't justify its purchase. I still can't, but some recent events tipped me over the edge. Firstly, my new apartment doesn't have T-Mobile coverage or AT&T next-gen coverage.Oddly, the old AT&T network seems to have better coverage in my apartment than their new GSM phones. That leaves Sprint and Verizon. I've seen the cable guy get decent access in my apartment with Sprint and I have a pathological hatred of Verizon (which does, as a matter of fact, have the best network in the USA) so my decision is made. Next, Amazon has a deal whereby you get $250 in rebates for the Treo, turning a $500 purchase into a more manageable $250. Unfortunately, the Treo is on back order everywhere until February so my new toy won't show up for awhile. Sigh. Does anyone want to buy a three month old Clie? ALSO: Got a new Blue Betta for our accent wall. The little guy seems to be settling in just fine, but then again Bettas are super easy to take care of. Fun fact: Bettas have an auxiliary lung that allows them to breathe air if the water quality is too low. Anyways, we're looking for a name for the fella, "Blue" seems to work for now.

HOLIDAY GREETINGS: Happy 4th night, everyone!

ADDITIONS: So Lorraine & I picked up our newest member of the family yesterday. We got a baby orange & white Pearlscale (goldfish) to be the first inhabitant for our brand-spanking new 25 gallon tank. The little guy is really tiny, maybe an inch & a half. He's got a tough job because, as the first tenant of a new tank, he's got to acclimate the water and bacterial levels for himself and future tenants. The shock of a new tank can be fatal, so I've treated and "homogenized" the water as best as I can for over a week before adding any swimmers. I'm hoping to eventually stock the tank with between six and ten goldfish of different (all ornamental) varieties. The little dude seems a bit traumatized by his new surroundings. Yesterday he was swimming happily around his small tank in the store with a bunch of his friends, confidently poking around for food and pooping (pretty much that's was goldies do) in familiar surroundings. Today he's alone in a huge expanse of a tank that, aside for the gravel on the bottom, is as desolate as a moonscape for now. I think he's perked up a bit today -still he seems much more active when the lights are off. When noone's around & it's dim in the room he adventurously swims up to the surface of the tank. When I come in and turn on the light he crash dives down to the bottom and just sits in the corner, looking pathetic. If he survives the ordeal I may just have to name him <reverb>Zippy the Wonder Fish.</reverb>

LONG DAY: Some days it just seems that all the little things will kill ya. By some astrological quirk this day more often than not turns out to be Monday. In the old days, there was rhyme to the reason to avoid certain things on Mondays. Cars built on Mondays suffered poor quality because the auto workers who assembled them were likely hung over and not disposed towards screwing things together very well. But I digress... Today was tough because it was my first day in the new digs. I am a consultant, see, and the department of the company I work for just moved buildings to some new facility that isn't quite ready for prime time. So the office I was supposed to hang my hat is unavailable (so I moved.) The temporary location for my butt has an inoperative LAN port (fixed.) This baby has the amazing ability to appear fully functioning and then completely fritz out, right out of the box! (going back to the store.) This sexy mama can't see this tired old beast on the network for some reason (towel has been thrown in, file backups are being used.) To compound the problem, the Dell's USB port is buried under plastic in such a way as to make it unusable (some physical persuasion methods may be applied.) Lastly, the genii who assembled this baby don't seem to understand polarity on a AA battery and why it may, ahem, "affect performance." (I suspect it was assembled somewhere deep within a Chinese gulag on the nearest local equivalent to Monday.) So, how was YOUR day?

IF A TREE FALLS IN A FOREST: How come an anti-terrorism demonstration was held in Baghdad today with approximately 10,000 Iraqisof all stripes in peaceful attendance and noone knows about it?

BY YOUR COMMAND: Last night SciFi started airing its new Battlestar Galactica miniseries. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that it's well written, acted and fx'ed. I know that the bb's full of original Galactica series die-hards are getting their blaster rifles all up in a tizzy over the new show, but they're mostly a bunch of losers from the seventies anyway who just want to see Dirk Benedict's smirk on the small screen again.

WHILE I'M SETTLING IN: I'm still getting my bearings after the wedding and all, so instead of posting musings as usual, I'm taking the time to refer to some interesting journalistic tidbits when I can. Today's installment is from Kevin Sites' blog, a photojournal: Rasta Warriors. ALSO: Lorraine and I soon after the ceremony.

DO NOT BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU SEE: From an Iraqi blogger (inside Iraq.) <--to keep y'all entertained while I get my bearings after my marriage...

BLOGGUS INTERRUPTUS: You may have noticed the paucity of entries these last few weeks. It's been very hectic around here, what with me getting married tomorrow and all. I hope to resume posting my gimlet addled observations on a more regular basis when things calm down. Peace out.

IRAQI PERSPECTIVE: A new blogger, Iraq the Model, from inside Iraq. His latest post is a good read. ALSO: TiVoisms, via Gizmodo.

SECRET BACHELOR SCRIPT REVEALED:

BACHELOR: I can see myself spending my life with any one of these women, I just don't know what to do. BACHELORETTE 1:I am so completely in love with X, I know, deep in my heart, that we are meant to be together. ... BACHELORETTE n: X is the perfect man for me, I am so totally in love with him at this point, I just want to be with him all the time.

Repeat until commercial break, then sotto voce: "Next on the bachelor..."

LATE BREAKING NEWS: Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. Send your comments to "LoisMustDie" (one word) at yahoo.com.

NOTAR: In light of the apparent fragility of our helicopter fleet, why isn't the army re-examining such vulnerability reducing features such as NOTAR? NOTAR, for the normal people who don't collect acronyms and reductions as a hobby, stands for NO TAil Rotor. You can see what the MD520N, a civilian chopper, looks like with the NOTAR system here. A nice & simple explanation of NOTAR's benefits lives here.

THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT: (And I feel fine.) My friend Karen sent me this. It's hilarious, check it out. Last night the beautiful Lorraine threw me a surprise birthday soiree in my apartment. I don't know how she did it or how she coerced my friends into coming out of their lairs so late at night, but she did. What a gal.

SIGHTINGS: I just met Bobby Flay on 98th street. He was with a small camera crew as he purchased some meat for a show. Noone seemed to pay him any notice, so I walked on up to him and struck up a small conversation. He seemed nice!

STAR WARS: FYI, Begun, The Clone Wars Micro-series has. It's a little odd that the series is composed of five minute snippets. Each episode is practically over before it even begins! My DVR, though, makes dealing with such troublesome issues a non-event, as I'll just watch the whole shebang sometime later when I have the chance.

MARTIAN FOREIGN INTELLIGENCE REPORT: A good read, courtesy BusinessWeek. Also, Forbes has a facinating read on the Marijuana industry north of the border.

IRAQI BLOG ROUNDUP: For those of you interested, there are a number of Iraqis that blog from inside their country. The ones I have been able to find (in no particluar order) are: The Baghdad Blogger, Riverbend (beware, there are some counterfeit Riverbend sites out there,) Healing Iraq and now The Mesopotamian. There are also several American soldiers that are currently stationed in country that blog too. Check out Chief Wiggles, Chrome Dome (poor sap is bald), Boots on the Ground and Baghdaddy. There were more, but some of them have already rotated out of Iraq. All the blogs mentioned have more links to similar blogs. There's also the fascinating and well written Kevin Sites, a journalist who blogs when he is in Iraq with a good and balanced (IMHO) perspective -now with pictures! There's lots tons of of good info and comments on some of these blogs and you should budget yourself lots of time to absorb everything. UPDATE: In the past twenty-four hours another Iraqi blogger has come online. Check out Iraq at a Glance.

TRAVELS: I just got back from Cork, Ireland. What a beautiful place. The Guiness really does taste better in Dublin, by the way. I had a few "poynts" at Heuston station, right next door to the Guinness brewery and let me tell you, it was gooood! I didn't get around to sampling the local brew of Cork, which is Murphy's, but I'm told it also tastes better at the source. The biggest surprise for me was that Budweiser and Coors sell well in the Emerald Isle! I'll chat more about my trip when I have the time.

GOOD READ DEPARTMENT: Broken Baghdad Brutal, Bloody and bellowing and Graffiti On History's Walls. Both touch on topics dear to my heart.

HEADACHE: I have a pounding one right now. No particular reason I can figure. Shout out to Ellen in LA, who just got engaged to Stuart. Woohoo! Ellen, I doubt you recall, was with me from the very beginning. My wedding planning program will soon be available for $500US retail. <grin> In no particular order:

• Why is it that corporate travel agents have the collective problem solving capacity of a mold spore?
• Why does my set top DVR pause interminably between switching channels?
• Why do some people always seem to call when the TV show you are watching is about to reach its exciting conclusion? (app. 10 minutes to the hour)
• Why do some people insist on blowing themselves up?
• Why do some columnists never have anything positive to say about anything?
• When will the X-Prize be won?
• Do we really need these?
• Who's right? him? or her?

OK, I'm done questioning for now.

ODD SUGGESTION: My mom is fixated on having a "mob" walk down the aisle at my upcoming wedding ceremony. She thinks its very pretty looking. Basically, she envisions my brothers and sisters walking down the aisle in pairs with their spouses in formation, right behind each other. I think it sounds ridiculous and keep envisioning a baton twirler at the front of the procession. Sound off in the comments please. Keep in mind that IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN!

SEPARATED AT BIRTH: Is it just me? or does Mary remind you of Wendy? (the resemblance seems more striking on television)

SUSAN: Susan is Ned's wife. Apparently Susan is as accomplished a writer and thinker as the Nedster. Here's her touching (and yes, thoughful) piece on their son's Bar Mitzvah.

OVERHEARD: Aaron Boone being interviewed last night: "Derek said I should be patient, the ghost will eventually show up."

DIGERY-DOODOO: Apparently, hell hath froze over. (Not a moment too soon, says I.) Go here for more info... After watching yet another punishing episode of Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica and seeing a commercial for yet another B-list celebrity reality show (something about rich sisters) I wonder if MTV is doing something subversive here: My theory is that having given birth to the current music celebrity/fashionista as diety craze perhaps MTV is trying to kill it by artfully deconstructing said personalities. Let's look at the evidence here. The Osbournes is a twisted look at the modern nuclear family. How many of us actually wish we were in Ozzy and Sharon's shoes now that we've seen all their laundry -and doggy poop? Sure we love 'em, but the way you love a crazy uncle, not the way you envy someone. Then there's Nick and Jessica. What more can I say about these two that hasn't already been written? I've heard it said somewhere that the folks at MTV are way smarter than the fare they dole out. Somehow, I believe that. The beauty of the whole scenario is that the celebs being filmed don't seem to have caught on to the fact that they're on the wrong side of a cruel runnning joke. UPDATE: iTunes for Windows really does rock! If the streaming (radio) and overall sound qualtiy continues to perform better than my existing Musicmatch player, I may make the switch permanent. I can give up the skinning features of MM but I wish iTunes could make itself really small like MM can. <--It can!

HOW AVANTE GARDE OF ME: SNL this weekend (I DVR'ed it) spoofed Nick & Jessica. Do they read my blog?

PUBLIC SERVICE: My friend Wendy forwarded me a message today. I know I had read this article by Dennis Miller awhile back. UPDATE: I knew I had read this essay before, and now, thanks to my Californian friend Ellen and snopes.com, I know where. It's actually written by Larry Miller for the Weekly Standard and not Dennis Miller. You can read it in its entirety here. You may recognize Larry from guest spots on popular sitcoms such as Seinfeld, where he played Elaine's doorman or in such movies as A Mighty Wind, in which he had a small role. I am dutifully removing the link to the post attributed to Dennis Miller.

SOUL SURROUNDINGS: Yesterday I attended the sobering funeral of M.'s sister. M. came to know my family when he was a teenager. His Yeshiva was up the block from my house & he used to come by with his friends to play ball in our backyard before the fledgling Yeshiva was able to construct its own court. Soon, he was a regular at the Sabbath table in my house and became a sixth member of the family. I was perhaps, 9 years old when that happened. Today, M. lives in his adopted hometown of Kew Gardens with his family. His oldest is sixteen or so years old. Wow, time flies. M.'s slightly older sister C. liked Kew Gardens so much that -after she got married- she moved in next door to M. and proceeded to raise her family there too. Monday -Yom Kippur- C. lost her fight with cancer and returned her soul to the Maker. Over a thousand people whose lives were touched by C. and her family attended her funeral in Forest Hills yesterday. It was truly an amazing and touching ceremony. In addition to family and friends there were students of the deceased, as well as those she befriended as part of a peer support program for the similarly ill. The funeral home was way past capacity. People were crammed into doorways in the front and back and poured out onto the sidewalks and the parking lot to listen to the eulogies and share in C.'s family's grief. Throughout, I confess, I only thought of M. I hardly knew C., but vividly recall M. runninng up to me, giving me a bear hug and letting me cry on his shoulder at my father's funeral some 16 years ago. Yesterday, I returned the favor.

APB: Anyone know what happened to Susanna, the Reverse Cowgirl? Her blog went dead and her e-mail forwarding address from Salon bounced. I worry...

CHILDISH: So Lorraine & I were having dinner at a posh Upper West Side eatery. As usual, I emptied out the digeritus from my pockets (cell phone, PDA, etc.) Lorraine didn't bring her pocketbook, so she innocently dumped her phone into the pile. Twisted individual that I am, I noticed that the phones seemed to be getting it on. Eventually I found myself posing the phones in ever more compromising positions. You know I always wanted to direct... So dim the lights sickos, without further ado I give you part one of my new phone sex photo shoot: Foreplay.

NOBODY'S HOME: Not a big fan of the reality show. I mean, I have my own reality to deal with, why live vicariously through someone else's? Having said that, I did manage to catch a few snippets of the show Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica here and there. My observations? The marriage isn't doomed because Jessica's a spoiled brat. It's doomed because she's a stupid spoiled brat. Also, with all these "reality" shows around, how long before the average American thinks "going into hair and makeup" is an expected precursor to any social event?

MEA CULPA: All my bitchin' on May 31st turned out to be wrong headed. That was the night (and the event) at which I met my fiancee.

IRAQ: I have become obsessed with the progress of Iraqi reconstruction and the like. If you are interested too, here are some interesting sites: Iraq Today and the Baghdad Bulletin.

INEXCUSABLE: <rant>It seems that some major vendors that I work with outsource their sales. I find that inexcusable. I mean, these firms are creating a rats nest of problems for folks trying to evaluate, purchase and support their products! Sales is a core competency and should not be outsourced. Shame on you Sun and Xerox!</rant>

HAVE A HAPPY: To all my Jewish friends, have a happy and healthy new year. Take this time to reflect upon the past and plan for your future! To my "gentile" friends, Have a wonderful Saturday and may your weekend be all that you wished for... Take this time to reflect upon the past and plan for your future! To my friends in the animal kingdom... Did I leave anyone/thing out? Shana Tova to all!

YOU WANT FISH WIT DAT?: I went with my fiancee to a wedding hall yesterday -I'll leave the name out to protect the innocent (me...you'll see why in a moment)- and in the process reinforced my suspicion that the mob has more than a passing interest in the banquet "racket" in the Big Apple. A man who, for all intents and purposes, (intensive purposes?) could have been Vincent Pastore's little brother was waddling around the grounds. I mean, this guy had a comb-over worthy of Rudy, no neck to speak of, was wearing a royal blue double breasted suit that could probably have covered the infield at Shea and a wide yellow tie. To be fair, he owned that suit. I strongly suspect that he cracks nuts with his bare hands and was a nose tackle for St. Igna-whatever high as a teenager. Say what you want about the place, but I have no doubt that should one of the omnipresent Jewish panhandlers who appear almost spontaneously at orthodox weddings in New York try to gain entry during an event he or she would be taught a lesson he (or she) wouldn't refuse forget. P.S. We still have not set a date.

SIGH: Another great idea I had back in my college days is being implemented without me... In fairness, I didn't want to be forever known as the guy who made parking tickets stick. Think of the death threats I would have gotten!

SHWEET: I've been renting cars a lot lately, what with all the wedding plans that need to be made -Lorraine needs a chauffer. Today, I queued up for my regular "compact" car deal at Hertz and was pleasantly surprised to be handed the keys to a boffo white Subaru Outback. So now I'm obliged to say things like "G'day" and wear a shark tooth on a string around my neck & stuff. The car, incidentially, is quite luxo. I'm pleased. The lady Lorraine and I will be making our entrance at the engagement par-tay this afternoon in high style now.

PREACHING TO THE CHOIR: Friedman confirms what I've been saying all along (free registration required.)

AARON SPELLING ON LINE ONE: My idea for a sitcom, tenatively dubbed "Shark" (As in "jump the.."):

Episode 1: A clip show. Episode 2: A main character's actor gets switched without any explanation. Episode 3: A very special episode (someone has AIDS/ALZHEIMER's or is PREGNANT/HANDICAPPED.) Episode 4: As seen through the family pet's eyes. Episode 5: Introduce a cute new kid via a convoluted plot device. Episode 6: The mechanic/painter/handyman/doorman/cabbie/mailman becomes a regular character. Episode 7: The show is aired live. Episode 8: A musical. Episode 9: repeat

STOP THE PRESSES: I got engaged over the weekend. The future Mrs. Gimlet is the lovely maiden Lorraine of White Meadow Lake (New Jersey) We were engaged Saturday eve. Alternate feelings of euphoria and nausea ensued. Lest you think otherwise, the nausea is unrelated to events -I happen to be battling a persistent flu-like cold that is doing its unsuccessful best to dampen my enthusiasm. Raise your morning coffee for a toast. L'Chaim all!

THE ONION: has a piece on where the 19 hijackers are today.

WHERE WAS I:

On this day two years ago I sat. Grimly glued to the television as my city burned. Smelling the acrid smoke from my apartment. Watching the skies, devoid of all movement but the racetrack contrails of F-15's. Networking to ensure all my friends and colleagues made it out alive. Hosting friend and relative fleeing their high-rise places of employment. Not knowing what the future would bring.

VELLY INTELESTING: Salam Pax, the famous Baghdad Blogger, was interviewed on the Beeb. You can listen to it here. The follow-on webchat is here. Some fascinating insights into the Iraqi situation from someone who is certainly positioned to know. ALSO: Countering the spate of bad news coming out of Iraq, this poll of the Iraqi people, shows some interesting and positive attitudes in country. UNRELATED: Bob has an interesting read on the post office and identity theft.

JEWISH RENNAISANCE FAIR: OK, so I went to the Jewish Rennaisance Fair in New Jersey yesterday. I was half-expecting to see Jousting -Jewish Style (?) or something of that nature, but all I got was Uncle Moishy, Israeli arts and half-boiled hot dogs for my troubles. (Sidebar: The rumored Uncle Moishy-Barney smackdown never occured, sigh!) To be fair (sic.) I did enjoy the Israeli solidarity pavilion, which featured vendors from Israel hawking Israeli goods in an attempt to support the Israeli economy during these troubled times. In particular, I bought one of these educational toys for my nephew's seventh birthday. I hope he likes it, it's not the Gameboy he was expecting. Unexpectedly, I was completely choked up by the One Family booth. One Family supports the victims of terror in Israel in a very special way. I say unexpectedly because, while I am very emotionally connected to the suffering of my people, I didn't expect the emotional roller coaster I actually endured when perusing the booth. Perhaps the upcoming "yahrzeit" of September 11 has me in an especially contemplative mood. I do plan on commemorating the event in several ways this coming Thursday. If you live on or near the Upper West Side of New York City, I will be laying some flowers and a candle at the Fireman's Memorial in Riverside Park. I'm not sure if I'll be able to go in the morning at the time of the attacks or in the evening, though. If you want to come with, drop me a line through any of the contact methods in the sidebar. ME & JULIO: It looks like the boys from Corona are back! They must be really broke to resort to this. Last I heard S & G really don't like each other too much. Who cares? I'lll be first on line (online?) for tix. UPDATE: Hero of the Day, by Metallica, seems to encapsulate my feelings this week.

NEW TEMPLATE: Waddya think? ALSO, It turns out (RedHat) Linux's USB support is quite impressive. Even more hassle-free than my current benchmark of Windows 2000 (thus far.)

ANOTHER PIECE OF THE PUZZLE: I just purchased a 17" LCD monitor with built-in stereo speakers for the astoundingly low price of $299 (after rebate). This, for my media PC, which will be recast as a (Linux) workstation in light of some other purchases that have negated much of the need for such a contrivance in the first place. MY CABLE COMPANY now offers this DVR (Digital Video Recorder) set-top box that does the same thing as a TiVO, for 10 bucks a month. So, naturally, I snapped one up. Now I no longer "need" the PVR/DVR services that my media PC would have provided. Oh yeah, and I can watch an endless supply of Family Guy reruns. Yippee! I FINALLY UPGRADED my PDA to a respectable Sony Clie PEG TG/50. Through the magic of credit card rewards programs this purchase came out to a whopping zero dollars! With this tiny Bluetooth dongle attached to an open USB port on my laptop, I can use the Clie to wirelessly browse the 'net from anywhere in my shockingly small apartment.

AS PROMISED: Well, I've ended my self-imposed blogging exile and am ready to start up again. I'm not sure if I'll have as much to say as often as I did before, but I'll give it a whirl. THE BLACKOUT happened, y'all know that. I was on 42nd & 3rd when the lights went out. I did what any self respecting New Yorker would do when work suddenly ends -I hit the bars. My friends Brendan, Peter & I moseyed over to McFadden's & got a little sauced. I then proceeded to walk up to Columbus circle in the hopes of finding a bike rental place so I could pedal up to my flat on 98th. No luck finding a bike store that was renting, but I did manage to hop onto the back of a flatbed tractor trailer, (with about 50 other like-minded individuals) proceeded to enjoy an open-air ride straight up Amsterdam and got dropped off on my doorstep. Good times and good will abounded on that day -the natives will be singing about it for years to come. SAW AMERICAN SPLENDOR this weekend. A good movie with a sense of humor and a fine cast of character actors. You know them: the thespians that would never headline a bill anywhere else but in a boutique film. Giamatti was excellent, as usual, but I felt the movie went on a tad too long. I got restless near the end and a ten minute trim would have been perfect. Fascinating how it tied into Crumb -the man and the movie -which I found unwatcheable. MY EXTENDED BROOD INCREASED this month with the addition of another nephew in Israel, bringing the total number of short, loud people who call me Uncle Yaakov to fifteen. I think I need to take a second job just to afford gifts for all of them. I'M SO PROUD that my GF is hooked on Family Guy. Stewie cracks her up.

OF NOTE: I haven't yet returned to full time blogging. Say what you want about the political situation in Israel and the Middle East at the moment (and I'll keep most of my thoughts to myself, thank you) but it boggles my mind how a terrorist group can blow up a bus full of men, women and children returning from the holiest site in all Judaism, kill 20, then claim that it was Israel who ended the cease-fire by assasinating a leader of the terrorist group in a precise military strike. Reminds me of this joke.

HIATUS, OF SORTS: I have been blogging rather sporadically lately. I've been busy with other pursuits and haven't been quite as intellectually charged up as usual (For want of a better word to describe my writing pursuits.) I think I'll be taking August off for blogging and such and use the time to mentally rejuvinate myself. I'll be back before long.

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH CLOCKS: I just realized that I have a weird attachment to the alarm clock by my bed. I've had that clock since I was in high school and it's not exactly state-of-the-art. It's big; the alarm off button stopped working years ago and the noise is super annoying. So why am I attached to it? Why do I still have this piece of junk? Why did I take it with me to LA when I sojourned there for six months last year? More importantly, why is it that I don't seem to be alone in forming a bond with my bedside clock. My GF says she feels the same way towards her timepiece. I know my sister has had the same clock since before she moved out of our parents' house too. Weird, eh?

SUPERMAN: My brother is bothered...(In so many ways...)

Something has been bothering me for a while that I thought you might know the answer to. I can understand why Superman might be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound (appearing to fly), have bullets bounce off his chest and even his x-ray vision on the theory that gravity on Krypton was so much more intense and, as a result, his physiology would be stronger. So what seemed like normal functions on Krypton (even the "intensity" of his vision) are magnified exponentially on Earth sort of how we function on the moon. But what gives him the ability to just hang in mid-air if we still have gravity here on Earth last time I checked?

Your answers (Kat, Wen, Jason) are appreciated.

WOW: I don't normally do this, and I'm not merely asking you to agree with what he says (although I do) but Steven Den Beste Is an awesome writer. If he wrote a book, I'd buy it:

To a good multiculturalist, a native reform is automatically better than one where the local culture is polluted by foreign ideas. I don't credit that, though. I'm results oriented, and what I know is that for the last twenty years we have more or less kept out of it and let Islamic extremism spread and become more powerful, and the result has been rising hostility towards us and an increase in the lethality of their attacks. So since my narrow goal in all of this is to make them stop killing us, I can't accept the idea of letting that fundamentalist reform continue.

Read Steven's blog and see what I mean.

HEARTWARMING: I spent part of this this past weekend at my mother's in Queens and ushered in the shabbat with evening prayers at the local high school yeshiva on my old block on 117th street. The school just let out for the summer, and there was still a handwritten note on the bulletin board in front of the sanctuary, which also doubles as a study hall -commmon practice in the yeshiva world. The note said (to the best of my recollection):

Whoever owns a jar of Folger's coffee on the top shelf of the cabinet in the dining room, I accidentially broke the jar. I'm sorry. Please see me for reimbursement. Signed, name deleted

It's been awhile since a sign like that was a normal occurence in my life. It brought back warm memories of my time spent in yeshiva and the values that were imparted to the student body that results in such respect for the property of others.

SOBERING REALITY: It just occurred to me that for as long as I can remember, I've preferred sleeping to being awake. Why is that? I'm bummed about this one...

PATIO MAN: If you haven't already read the essay entitled "Patio Man and the Sprawl People" by David Brooks, may I humbly suggest you do so? It's an alternately hilarious and quite true anthropological depiction of suburbia.

ROBOTOLOGY TWO COMMANDMENTS: In correct BASIC to boot!   10 SIN   20 GOTO HELL Thank you , once again, Futurama and Adult Swim.

HEH: Anyone out there remember (fondly) Will Ferrell's Mr. Michael Shersby of the British House of Commons character? Ah, to legislate Oasis and Teletubbies...

PILGRIMS: I saw a confused mother with two preteen boys studying a subway map on the Broadway line platform this morning. So I stopped to help her out and give her some advice. It turns out that she (like so many others I have come across) was making her way to the site of Ground Zero with her sons. I extended every courtesy. My feeling is that Americans making their way to the site of the 9/11 tragedy should be accorded the same respect that other religions and cultures assign to pilgrims travelling to Jerusalem, Bethlehem, Mecca or Tibet. If you live in the Big Apple (or if your blood just runs red, white and blue like mine) I'd be surprised if you didn't feel the same.

WHATEVER GOES AROUND DEPARTMENT: I read today in the NYTimes (free regsitration required) that Syrians on the Iraqi border are getting fed up with American belligerence. Frankly I have a hard time sympathising with a regime that is finally getting a taste of what it has been dishing out to its neighbors for so many years. Look at the quagmire that is the Syrian/Lebanes border or the Syrian/Israeli border for illustration. Finally the Assad family is getting cut down to size by someone it can't bully back.

ANTHROPOLOGY IN EXTREMIS: I wonder, (and my brother thinks I'm insane) can we reliably gauge a society's advancement by the quality of its bathroom tissue?

GRANDMA: Today I visited my grandmother in her nursing home. "Bubby," which is the Yiddish affectionate for grandma, turned 93 this Friday past, and is still as sharp as a razor. My Bubby is an incredible woman. She came to America alone and single in the 1930's, survived the depression and a world war, worked as a laborer in the garment industry, raised money for war bonds and gave generously to that cause out of her meager salary, volunteered as an air raid warden in the 50's, raised a daughter (my mom) and remains a modest, caring and maternal figure to my family. In short, she is like everyone else's amazing grandmother, which is to say that she makes our generation look spoiled and unaccomplished by comparison. Why do I mention this? Not to crow about my devotion to my grandmother, which I beg of you dear reader(s) not to compliment me on. But to discuss an idea that's been fomenting in the back of my head for some time now. I visit my grandmother because -in addition to feeling an immense sense of gratitude for all that she has accomplished in her 93 years- I truly enjoy -and, frankly require- her company. Bubby gives me sage advice and tells me stories about her life and her past that are as much a part of me as if they had originated within my person. Looking around, though, I see a great many men and women like my grandmother -some old, some not so much so- who require companionship and the respect and gratitude of those who came after them and do not receive what they deserve. WHY IS THAT? The local church groups or Jewish outreach and "Bikur Cholim" squads, while admirable, are an inadequate substitute for what these people really deserve. To that end I propose the following:

The notion of civil service as a noble pursuit is well formed in our heads, especially after 9/11. Why shouldn't civil or volunteer service to the elderly have the same exalted status? After all, aren't we just returning the favor to those whose lives were spent enhancing our own? Now I'm not saying everyone should run out and visit a nursing home tomorrow, but if we all took stock of our time and what we value as important, shouldn't we all come to the realization that we should set aside some time in our lives to devote to this issue in much the same way many of us volunteer to be emergency medical workers, firemen or auxiliary police for a few years out of our lives?

As it is said when discussing an intractable talmudic conundrum "Tzorech Iyun," literally: requires more scrutiny. This issue will not go away and must be addressed. Your constructive comments are appreciated.

CREATURE OF THE NIGHT: My GF & I saw Pat Benatar and Neil Geraldo live last night at the Beacon. Wow, she can still belt 'em out, although she's not much of a performer. Her husband Neil, though, has enough "Cabo Wabo" juice for the both of them. Some observations:

• Pat's crowd is very ambiguously gay and/or middle aged (a no brainer.)
• It's been awhile since I've seen that many mullets and cowboy boots in New York (hell, on the East Coast.)
• Bass players always look like they'd be just as happy chilling on the couch as playing a gig, even when they're doing their solo.
• Green Vinyl Dream, who opened for Pat, are a competent bunch that sounded amazingly like Candlebox, whose CD I purchased around ten years ago. LA is full of these polished, talented yet unexciting bands. Pity, because they'd probably find a better following doing East Coast gigs that in the wild, wild west.

I'VE GOT A FEVER: OK, I've been neglecting my blog for awhile. Suffice it to say that I (finally) have a life outside of my blog and have been busy in other avenues of pursuit. Last Thursday I was at Arlene's Grocery with my friend Benji. We snuck in near the end of the evening to catch the Brain Surgeons. The Brain Surgeons features the musical stylings of Albert Bouchard and his wife Deborah. Al was formerly the drummer for Blue Oyster Cult, so the audience was treated to such BOC standards as Godzilla and Don't Fear the Reaper. Now here's the funny part. Deb called for a volunteer to do the cow bell for 'Reaper and a young, long haired, Birkenstock clad hippie type took up the call. Someone in the audience gave the troglodyte (well, that's pretty much what he looked like) two glasses to clink together and he proceeded to make a total ass out of himself during the rock classic. I mean, hasn't he at least seen the SNL skit with Will Ferrell and Chris Walken? All he had to do was bang the glasses together in a steady ryyhm. but NOOOO! he had to get all improvisational in his altered state. Near the end of the song, when some guitar solo work was being done, the moron tried to share the mike with Deb and was mercifully yanked from the stage by a fellow attendee. It's funny (a) how dated I feel when I'm at a concert and I'm in the minority of folks present (in an admittedly tiny venue) who even know that this kid was doing anything wrong (let alone the lyrics to Don't Fear the Reaper) and (b) how much that SNL skit has become a part of the BOC lexicon worldwide. More on the dude who yanked the hippie -who turned out to have an interesting story too- at a later time.

STAY TUNED: Was on a bit of a bender last night. Had lots of epiphanies & interesting thoughts. Stay tuned as I unravel them and write them down. Happy Birthday America!

KARMA: People who celebrate the same birthday as me:

• Tonya Harding
• Sammy Sosa
• David Schwimmer
• Nadia Comaneci
• Neil Young
• Wallace Shawn
• Grace Kelly

RECURRING DREAM DEPARTMENT: I'm late for a plane & I haven't packed. Any budding Josephs or John Edwards out there wanna give this one a crack?

MY FORTUNE: Many a false step is made by standing still.

UPDATE: Natch, Lycoris doesn't yet work on my hardware. Gonna have to go with a more mainstream distro like RedHat.

PSYCHED: I just got my Via EPIA M "Dream Catalyst" mainboard.. I'm building a PVR/media center for myself and just upgraded the mainboard to something that can really handle DVD playback at fullscreen. Plus the new board has Firewire and USB 2.0 built-in. Then I'll install Lycoris and Freevo and get a wireless keyboard and gyroscopic mouse to make the whole kit work from my couch.